Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Time for a Confession...

I have been mainly a stay at home mom for the past nine years. People may say I knew what I was getting myself into, but honestly I didn't have the slightest clue. When I married my husband, the fact that he had two sons that he adored and was such a good dad to was a major attraction for me. His oldest was adorable and we got along well. Besides they are only here on the weekends. Little did I know that by marrying my husband I became the free babysitter. Over the next few years my school, my dreams of become a band director were put on hold as I tried to the best for these boys, while their mom finished school. At the time it was no big deal, I was already struggling, I will just go back and finish my degree. Ha Ha Ha!

Two years into our marriage, we had a baby girl together. It was the most amazing thing in the world. After being the primary caregiver to my stepsons with no credit, no authority, nothing. I now had my own child, and while I love my stepsons, it just can't compare.
Fast forward seven years and two more kids (and a tubal ligatio)later. I have finally gone back to school... online. It is fine I guess, I need to have a degree so when my youngest starts Kindergarten in two years I can actually get a job. I can forget about my music, I have touched a drumset in 8 years, and my piano skilsl are sorely lacking. So instead I opted for Psychology, to work with troubled youth and social services. I am glad that I have finally returned to school even if it is not the way I had pictured but it's something, it helps me feel like I am doing something.

But to be perfectly honest. I was defintely not cut out to be a housewife. The mom part I can handle most of the time, but the doting housewife is so not my thing. I admit the dishes don't get done until we are out of all the clean ones. Laundry is the same way, and it will sit in baskets, then the baskets get dumped mix with the dirty clothes on the floor and then they all have to be washed again. I have tried the organizing thing. I love to organize, it gives me great joy to sort and stack and find all kinds of creative ways to try to not have to clean as much. However it's the upkeep that fails me. Cooking?!!! Ha! I try I really do, but usually making dinner means planning ahead so there is meat thawed out, and there are some sort of ingredients on hand. Again not my strong suit. I love to try new dishes and experiment, though my family does not appreciate it.

My husband would be an amazing stay at home dad, he is a great cook, he can clean the entire house in an hour and I have no idea how he does it. On the weekends when we clean I will start on one room and he will have the rest of the house done before I finish that one room. If he didn't work so much he would be in charge of it all.

But he does work sometimes two jobs and now he is traveling often gone for a week or more at a time. Leaving me with all of this. I did try to mow the lawn for him last week, ended up putting a two foot hole in the middle of the front yard. I give up.

All in all I have a good life, but then why am I so miserable. All of these years of my life revolving around "Hey Mom," "Mommy can you," and "Mom!" has taken it's toll. I love my children more than anything. But I just need to get out of this house, I peruse the job boards every day looking for the miracle job that will take someone with no real work experience and pay enough to cover childcare for five children through the summer. Now I have worked off and on throughout the years in preschools and daycare, and doing some field marketing jobs. Preschool and childcare do not pay anything, I was looking in the ads and while I made $7.50 an hour as a lead toddler teacher in a very expensive childcare center, Aldi's pays their cashiers $11.30 an hour! How fair is that?!! Well that could be a whole nother blog post for another day. I have had job interviews but in this economy my chances are slim to none,there are plenty of experienced work available and I have no real work history, landing a job that pays more than $10 an hour is more of a dream than reality.

My point is I know I will get persecuted for not being grateful that I get to be a stay at home mom to my children. You just do not realize how isolated you become. I can't even volunteer to help at the school or with the PTA, and I even had to resign as Girl Scout leader because younger siblings are not welcome. I am grateful for my son's preschool who let my 3 year old and I hang out and help as often as we want and i try not to take advantage of it , but it is nice to be around adults too!

I am just not the mom who is comfortable with a babysitter so I can enjoy time to myself, and in the end my kids suffer as much as I do. I admit that I can be a pretty crappy mom when I am stressed and snap at the kids, yelling at them to go clean their rooms or just to leave me alone for a bit. But at the same time, I do try and spend as much time as possible with them, reading stories playing games, and trying to find free fun things to do.

When you dream of being a mom you picture the diapers, and the throw up, and the scraped knees, and you know the work that will be expected of you. What they don't tell you is the level of isoation that is included. I see moms at all these play groups, and moms nights out and such. I did join a play group with my youngest, but then moms' lunch out was always a moderatly expensive restraunt that was way beyond our budget. And even now more and more have returned to work and then they resent you for being a stay at home mom. It's a never ending cycle the working mothers are jealous of the at home moms, the at home moms are envious of the working moms.
That's it, I just needed to rant... Feel free to chastise as you wish.

1 comment:

Angela said...

I think most moms can relate. Hang in there!